If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
You Might Also Like
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves