Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Had to try this trend 😊
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.