Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Doctors texting each other.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]