DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.