Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
only 11 steps left
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The news in a nutshell.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.