(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Your secret is safeish with me
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns