Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.