Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
You Might Also Like
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.