As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
You Might Also Like
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine