M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
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Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.