I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”