@CynicalTherapi1

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

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@dlicj

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

@TheTweetOfGod

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

@TeaPartyCat

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

@AudreyPorne

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

@bornmiserable

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

@iscoff

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

@bourgeoisalien

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

@Book_Krazy

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

@NotthatAdamWest

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

@audipenny

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”