Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
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genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Thursday
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”