*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems