I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you