A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
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A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends