My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.