ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water