Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
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My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.