12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
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“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.