Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
You Might Also Like
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion