I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*