It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
And that about sums it up.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.