I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
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Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Basketball
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay