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Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath