To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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as is their right
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My whole life was a lie.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Huge”.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.