Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées