11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks