Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT