Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
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gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly