*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.