I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
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10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago