My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
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dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on