there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
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I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
When libraries troll their patrons.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
🤣😂
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start