Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
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They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
S M O L
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night