me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”