Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
![]()
You Might Also Like
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
![]()
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
![]()
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
![]()
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?