Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
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Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.