Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Still a very good boi….
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.