I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Can’t. Being lazy.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.