If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Geez man, take it easy.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.