ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
You Might Also Like
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff