Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
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Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.