Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?