you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
My teenage children choosing violence
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.