Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Oh, I bet you would be
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.