me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
$4 #usedbooks