According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?