*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.