Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.