@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

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@Marlebean

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

@JillianKarger

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

@StevieKnip

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

@XplodingUnicorn

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

@NolaChef504

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

@_elvishpresley_

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

@PoodleSnarf

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

@panmidwest

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

@SortaBad

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”