@Marlebean I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
@SortaBad *walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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@Marlebean 
@JillianKarger [watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
@JLazySAngus Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
@StevieKnip Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
@XplodingUnicorn Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
@NolaChef504 When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
@_elvishpresley_ [riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
@PoodleSnarf Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
@panmidwest [chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
@SortaBad [meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”