*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
*seductively corrects your posture*
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.