Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
#StillHurts
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”