Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*