ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
i smell a pulitzer
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
that’s really how it is
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.